Too Much Focus on "What Should I Say?"
By Steve Chandler
I used to think listening was not a creative act. Listening was what I had to endure until it was my turn to talk. I used to think talking and communicating brilliant ideas and advice was what coaching was all about. I was just like the leaders I coach who believe that leading is all about telling people what they should do and doing most of the talking in one-to-one and team meetings.
But both the leaders and I were incomplete in our work. We were short-changing the possibility of being better at our jobs. I have learned a great deal from the wisdom of a teacher and author named Brenda Ueland. She delivers marvelous instruction about creative writing and even more so about life itself. One of her most emphatic teachings is about the underrated power of listening. Here's what she had to say about listening, and it's not an exaggeration to say that this one diamond-sharp observation changed my life: "When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.
The Growth of Ideas Through Listening
Ideas begin to grow within us and come to life." With this insight, I looked for more opportunities to listen more and better. And the more I did that, the more insights and breakthroughs occurred for my clients. This also changed my relationships with my wife, my children, and my friends.
It later hit me that what's good for the coach is also good for the client, especially when they want to improve in leading their organizations. When the leaders I coach have problems with their partners or direct reports or customers and clients or family members at home, they usually want me to help them find the right thing to say.
Many a question in a coaching session would have the leader asking, "What should I say when...?" Or, "How do I talk to her about…" Or, "What do you think I should tell my team about…?" Often, I recommend to them that they do a listening session. Just go meet with the person and find out what they're thinking. See what you can learn. If you really want to improve your relationship with someone in the organization, allow them to be and feel heard and understood.
"No Agenda" Listening
Parenting as Leadership
Parenting is clearly a form of leadership, often the most challenging of all! In my younger years I was a single father raising four children on my own and making a real mess of the whole thing. The more adventurous my kids were in exploring problematic modes of behavior, the more I talked, taught, and reprimanded them … always judging and correcting.
Seeking Help
Fortunately, I was desperate enough to seek help, and a brilliant family counselor showed me a new approach I never would have thought to take. When one of my daughters was having a particularly rebellious phase at home and at school, my counselor gave me what I thought was a weird assignment.
The Assignment
"The next time you are with her," she said, "see if you can be there with no agenda." I was startled to realize how unusual that sounded to me. I had to confess to the counselor that I couldn't remember any conversations I'd had with my daughter that didn't feature me having an agenda.
The Transformation of Relationships
I was always guiding and correcting her. I was advising her on better ways to think and act. Always. No matter what my daughter said to me, I'd come back with a correction or direction on how to improve, from my perspective only, what she was doing.
My experiments with sitting with my daughter with no agenda … just me listening … were met with suspicion at the start.
She'd say, "Okay Dad, give it to me. What are you waiting to tell me what you want me to do?" But over time our relationship got better and better and her behavior challenges started to go away.
Although this personal family example of mine is a parenting anecdote, it is here to both simplify and emphasize the hidden power of listening. My relationship with my daughter got better, and her actions out in life became more positive because I had no agenda. I did nothing. But listen. So, it wasn't actually "nothing." It was deceptively and surprisingly powerful. I was coached by my counselor to listen. And I later found that when leaders are coached to experiment with more listening … and then practice more listening after the (almost guaranteed) results of the process give them the motivation to do so, a lot of their challenges are solved. And they are better informed.
Letting Coaching and Leadership Combine
Wake-up Calls for Leaders
Coaches need wake-up calls to the urgency of more innovative, compassionate, and courageous leadership in the face of rapid change and personal insecurity in the workplace.
Insufficiency in Listening
The quickest undoing of a leader today is insufficiency in listening. Their people are more concerned than ever about feeling connected, appreciated, and holistically fulfilled in their work-life endeavors. They can't get to these positive feelings when their leader doesn't listen.
Changing Leadership Styles
You could get away with dominating outbound communication when it was the norm in fixed hierarchical, and even patriarchal management; bossing your people or micro-managing their activities in a one-sided way, because the world back then felt more stable and fixed (at least to the boss).
Modern Leadership Requirements
But leaders today need to mix some life-coaching and relationship skills into their personal operating systems for their team members to succeed and grow and flow with the times.
Developing Listening Skills
As a coach of today's leader, my mission is to help my client see that skill deficits in these areas are not a result of hardwired character flaws or seemingly permanent personality traits. Breakthroughs in modern neuroscience (that confirm long-standing spiritual principles and meditative traditions) prove that the brain is more adaptive (at any age) than we ever thought was possible.
People who think they are "not a good listener," "not that good with people," or "lack compassion for others," can learn through patient coaching that those are mere lines of development that have not been sufficiently explored and cultivated.
100%
Potential for Growth
Everyone has the capacity to develop better listening skills
0
Character Flaws
Poor listening is not a permanent trait
FROM: The Leader and the Coach by Steve Chandler and Will Keiper
About the Author, Steve Chandler
Steve Chandler is a master coach, bestselling author, and renowned speaker who has spent over 20 years helping professionals transform pessimism into purpose and dramatically elevate their success. With 30 books translated into more than 25 languages, Steve’s work blends humour, hard-earned wisdom, and deep insight. His unique β€œMindShift” philosophy reconnects people with their innate enthusiasm for work and life. A former language specialist in the military with a background in creative writing and psychological warfare, Steve draws powerfully from his own personal lows to inspire real, lasting change in others. He is the founder of the Coaching Prosperity School and has trained hundreds of coaches worldwide, leaving a legacy of transformed lives and thriving practices.
Sanctuary Conscious Leaders Retreat
An event not to be missed!
Click image to learn more about Sanctuary
Advertise with The Coaches' Chronicle
Click image to discover how to place your premium ad in The Coaches' Chronicle
Ways To Stay Involved…
Subscribe to The Coaches' Chronicle
Click on the image above and make sure to subscribe to 𝑻𝒉𝒆 π‘ͺ𝒐𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔' π‘ͺπ’‰π’“π’π’π’Šπ’„π’π’† for free so you don't miss any future issues!
Submit An Article For Review
Click on the image above to submit your article. The deadline for submissions is the first Friday of the month preceding the release of the next issue.
Next Article: ​​Mastering the Art of Enrolment
by Stephen McGhee